Today is my 36th birthday. I don’t know how to feel about that. Let me first qualify by saying that I’m sleep deprived right now having travelled cross country last night and, when I am in this mood, tend to be more melodramatic. It’s only fitting that I would be in this state on a day that most use to reflect on their own life and mortality. So, while the following is what I’m feeling right now, it may not be what I feel tomorrow after a good night’s rest. Or maybe it will be.
While I received an outpouring of birthday wishes today, there were a few notable absenses. Unfortunately, it was this time last year that I was at a completely different place in my life and I thought it was going in a completely different direction. Yet, here I am, a year later, back in the same place I was before. Starting from scratch. Back on the hunt. While I truly believe that this is a better place to be, my mind can’t help but to reflect to a year ago.
I need sleep.
As my best friend loving pointed out, forty is rapidly approaching. I think that 36 is an age when forty joins the conversation. It’s not the featured guest, but it certainly has a seat at the table. Forty. Where will I be then? What will my life be like? My head hurts to think about it.
What happened to thirty?
I don’t feel different. Maybe a little bit more experienced. Not apt to repeat some of the mistakes I’ve made in the past, yet poised to make new ones. I don’t think that ever ends. Will I ever learn? Not likely.
The family is celebrating on Wednesday.
My father’s birthday is three days from now. We’re doing a dual-celebration dinner on Wednesday. It will be nice to see everyone. I wonder how reflective I’ll be then. Maybe I’ll be more focused on my father’s remaining years than on my own.
I was supposed have a date tonight. We were to meet up at a local lounge for a drink at 7:30. At 6, she called and told me that she had to go to her sister’s house because her nephew jumped off the bed and landed on his head. The sister, fearing the worst, was taking the boy to the hospital and she (my date) was going to go with her.
Now, that’s a perfectly plausible story. Kids jump off things. Hell, some even launch themselves in balloons, sort of. I truly hope that this kid is OK and he didn’t damage his noodle too badly… that is, if it really happened.
And that’s the problem with a last minute cancellation of a first date, it’s never believed. No matter what the situation, no matter how dire, if you call to cancel a first date within 2 hours of the date beginning, you’re a liar. Sad, but true.
So, that being said, I find myself at home which, as a Dodger fan, is a good deal. I’ve got a cold beer, a big TV, the Dodgers and the Phillies, and I don’t have to make small talk with a fibber.
So, I had a conversation with my best friend Jenn yesterday about how I’m doing, romantically speaking. I told her that while I’m doing OK, I miss the companionship that my previous relationship afforded. I didn’t necessarily miss the person I was in the relationship with, but just having someone around to share experiences with.
What’s interesting is that I never used to be that way. I used to enjoy being alone and enjoy being on my own. That’s not to say that I don’t now, but I’ve seen a side of life that I wasn’t too familiar with before and I liked it. Now I find myself missing it.
I’ve also noticed that I’ve become more discerning in dating than I was prior to my relationship. Before, I would go out on numerous dates a week, meeting and enjoying people even if I knew they weren’t a good match for me. Now, I found that I’ve become very choosy and are dismissing people left and right. I don’t know if this is because I’m looking at other people in a more long-term sense then I have in the past or if the characteristics of what I’m seeking in another person has changed over the course of the last year, but I’m definitely scrutinizing the women I meet much more then before.
So, I’ve come out on the other side of this relationship having seemingly ‘grown’, but I don’t know if it’s for the better. I’ve always been a big believer in that there are no bad things in life, just experiences. Some experiences are more pleasurable than others, but you walk away from each one learning something. I’ve learned something about myself and others in the last year, I just don’t know if this will end up being in the pleasurable experience column or not.
Have you ever had one of those days where everything is going right? You wake up refreshed and ready to take on the day? Traffic is light and there’s no line at Starbucks? Your boss, for whatever reason, thinks every idea you have is a good one and sales are up for no reason at all? You get an unexpected present and just feel like a million bucks?
Then, you get kicked in the nuts.
There you are, having the best day you’ve had in weeks, when all of a sudden you come around the corner and run smack dab into your ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Boy, that’s fun, let me tell you. The whole day of good shoved into the garbage disposal which is then run with no water.